Weekly Report 2/2

 Homeless Duff Herm Guild Protests Against Large Scale Advertisement

The HDHG, the largest free Duff Herm organization in the country, have begun nationwide protests, some revolving into uncontrollable mobs, that have gathered in the country’s largest cities to protest big advertisements and billboards. The Department of Emergency Management says that, “Two hundred billboards worth a grand total of 1,900 Herm Dollars were destroyed by protesters.”

While the Department (which is largely run by members of the HDHG) discusses their next move, the Homeless Duff Herm Guild has started a massive mobilization of militias across the country. The leaders of the guild have been silent about their intentions, but the members of the militias believe that they are needed to protect Hermistan from some unknown external threat. Currently, around a thousand Duff Herms march to the border of the Umbucci Clan of Stanistan, leading them is legendary General Jim Kurt. 

One HermPost reporter stationed on an important messaging route operated by the HDHG noted that, “Every two or three minutes another rider passes by. Each one different from the last, they seem to be sending one-way messages westward to Stanistan for reasons unknown.” 

Federal Conference Votes On High Council Nominees

The Federal Conference is where the combined members of all of Hermistan’s Legislatures meet to make national decisions. The first of these is the appointment of next year’s High Council members; they will lead the Conference once selected and serve as the main connecting governing body between Legislatures in Hermistan until the next Federal Conference. The Conference happens annually unless a request from the High Council is ratified by a majority of the Governors (the Berm included) in which case, they may hold an emergency session when in times of crisis. So far, this has only happened three times in Hermistani history.

Back in the present day, each of the Governors have nominated a High Council member before their Legislature left for Hermbul (a few extra are made backups just in case). This nominee is to be voted upon by the combined Legislatures and either confirmed or denied, depending on their policies and proposals. Through a petition sponsored by the Berm, the Conference has already decided to allow Cornibus, the underpowered “Governor” of the GHLL to appoint a nominee. Despite a general disapproval by the members of the GHLL, the petition still passed, 67% to 33%, and the Conference continued.

So far, three out of seven of the nominees have been approved, and two more are under consideration, while only two are still under questioning, one of them is Cornibus’s appointment, unfortunately. So far, as part of a protest to the aforementioned petition, the GHLL has blocked the passing of the High Council members by using their 38% minority and a little help from the Central Region to override the rest of the Legislatures from passing to a final vote. The Berm fears a gridlock.

The High Council members that have been approved are as follows. Long standing member and two-term Prime Minister of the High Council, Bobert Cockerraft of Cottage has been approved along with Yibaba of the Central Region, and Gourdbeard of the State of Walizburg. The rest of the appointments, including such notable names as HermPost reporter Galonhoney II, zoo and gorilla admirer, John Bayosta, and strangely enough, the mayor of GHLC are all pending verification. Keep reading the HermPost to find out more about this on a later date.

  Duff Herm Caught Gambling Confesses to Eating a Lot of Peaches

After sneaking out to play Yib, a card game involving gambling and a proud sponsor of HermPost card manufacturers, with John Barley Duff Herm who apparently lives in Cottage, who could have guessed, a Duff Herm was caught by his Ba Herm who had just so happened to remember that he had failed to water the corn plants that day and went outside to do so when he saw suspicious activities going on inside one of the Herm Huts. John Barley Duff Herm walked out of the Herm Hut and got away unpunished, but his opponent in the game had scurried to clean up the game and was caught by surprise when his Ba Herm appeared in the doorway. 

In terror, he used almost all of his un-yibs and confessed to a multitude of forbidden activities, such as eating four cans of beans when his Ba Herm wasn’t looking and planting Duff Corns in the nog field and teaching them how to yubub. Worse than all was his confession that he had eaten exactly nine-hundred-and- ninety-nine peaches, one short of having to say pech. 

The news of the Herm who had eaten exactly 999 peaches spread quickly. And, instantaneously, different Duff Herm societies gathered behind different views of what should be done. Some wanted to make him eat the last peach, others wanted to defend him, and yet others wanted him to be praised and made an honorary member of the City Council or ridiculed and investigated for fraud by the same Council.

Pretty soon, the entire town was in chaos (with the exception of John Barley Duff Herm, he was just peacefully eating a bale of barley while the commotion outside his barn was commencing.) The brawl, for brawl it was, quickly escalated into an all out battle, some Duff Herms fought with rakes, others with hoes, and some with other Herms. All the while, panicked Ba Herms ran around the battlefield trying desperately to keep the peace.

This continued until John Barley Duff Herm climbed on top of the barn and boomed down from atop it with the voice of a barley-fattened god calling down from the heavens, May we all eat well and live in peace. Meanwhile, my friend Joe will take the Duff Herm for whom this battle is fought to become a national accountant for the Department of Finance in Hermbul.

Just like in the comics, his silly demand became reality when the Himzoo Herm heard the story and happily made him the lead accountant for the Duff Herm Satisfaction Committee, if not the Department of finance, saying, “Any Duff Herm who can count to a number higher than I can say with any sort of precision, should be an expert. That much I can say.”

Thank you for reading this week’s Weekly Report. To those who it may concern, we have received several complaints recently from various Herms in Hermistan, requesting that we publish last week’s HermPosts again the next week just in case they miss it when it is being sold or the local vendor runs out of copies. To this, we say, of course. However, it will be up to your local Reporter to decide how many of these copies get sent. So, talk to them about it and stop bothering us. Donate.