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Daily Update 12/14

Why are Duff Herms In Walizburg Eating Lots of Doughnuts?

In recent months, Herms have begun to worry about the amount of fried food that Duff Herms are consuming throughout Hermistan. Though many Duff Herms opt for a more traditional diet, some (especially those in big cities) have begun to eat large quantities of popcorn, corn chips, and other fried corn products. Likewise, in Walizburg, the number of doughnuts sold has tripled versus three years ago. Ba Herms have begun to worry that their Duff Herms are not meeting the expectations of Hermism, and one worried HermPost customer said, “I’ve lived here for forty years and I’ve never seen anything like what I did yesterday. Three Duff Herm conspiracy theorists were throwing doughnuts onto a fake Fig Duff nose. I think that those Herms need some good discipline.”

This Herm argued passionately for over an hour with the local reporter before he decided that the Duff Herms weren’t going crazy and that the weirdos were just being poorly covered up by the public. The HermPost thinks that the increased consumption of fried foods is down to a simple change in fashion and these things come and pass, adding a new ring to the tree each year which will likely never be seen by anyone. As the Berm puts it, “It’s nothing to stress about … compared to other things anyway … I won’t say that increased donut consumption will help Herms, and I would like to make it clear to Duff Herms that just because your friends eat donuts doesn’t mean your Ba Herm won’t notice when you gain one and a half pounds!”

The HermPost research department found some pretty intriguing results when we looked at the data behind Duff Herm weight gain and fried foods. The data proved that Duff Herms who eat fried food five times a week are 90% more likely to weigh at least one pound more than those who eat it on a weekly basis. Additionally, Duff Herms who have never eaten fried food often weigh half a pound less than the weekly consumers. It was also proven that Duff Herms who eat fried food sleep longer and spend more time in the bathroom, whether using it for legitimate reasons or just to sneak in a few extra doughnuts when their Herms aren’t looking.

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