Do Leeches Help With Cornpox?
Though for decades the traditional medicinal practice of putting leeches on Duff Herms has been said to cure anything from Cornpox to terminal cancer, recent studies show that these so-called “benefits” are more fantasy than reality. The Berm’s chief medical expert, Higbobbins Rascular III, said in a press conference concerning Cornpox by the Department of Health yesterday that, “Attaching leeches to anything … most of all your Duff Herms is one of the dumbest things you can do. Not only are the supposed benefits unproven, recent investigations show that leeches may be spreading diseases like Cornpox from Duff to Duff.”
The conference was full of new surprises for the Herms watching. These were not limited to the repeated disprovings of traditional medical practices which have undoubtedly been heard by every doctor in Hermistan, the real surprises came when Higbobbins announced that Duff Corn plants might be the source of the disease. He says, “Two in nine Duff Corns have Cornpox. They show no symptoms as they are merely a carrier of the disease and have developed an immunity to it. We believe that by using Duff Corn plants we may be able to make a cure for the disease.”
He later responded to a question about how Duff Herms get Cornpox from their Corns by saying, “It is unclear how the Duff Corns transmit the disease to Duff Herms, but we believe that the main cause of Cornpox is likely drinking Duff Corn saliva. The solution is simple: don’t let your Duff Herms drink it…. Then, you will likely never have to deal with another one of your Duff Herms getting infected. It will be a relief to us all if Cornpox finally vanishes.
Cult In Hermbul Steals Gold From the Berm’s Treasury
Since Hermistan is such a huge country sandwiched between the Coastal Nations and Stanistan and wanting to take part in the traditions of neither, it is not unusual for strange cults and other gatherings of believers in the dark religions of Bunlahund and Stanistan to appear occasionally in Hermistan’s border cities. What is so unusual now is that they have made it to the nation's capital: Hermbul. This wonderful city has been a place of science and change from the old ways, but it has still always been the heart of Hermism in Hermistan.
Galonhoney III describes the members of the strange Whane Cult as implausibly innocent marauders with the foulest of intentions. Such hatred was brewed for them by their own doings with good cause. Believing falsely that the Berms treasure store had been infiltrated by Demons that they call Whanes, they rushed to the palace and overwhelmed the guards at the front gates in an attempt to save the Berm from being eaten by the Whanes.
Once inside, the mob of Whane Cultists continued their path of destruction until they reached the deepest dungeons of the Berm’s palace where the treasure of Hermistan is stored. They took all of the items with holes, these contained: cups, rings, goblets, harps, clocks, and more. By the time they returned to the upper-levels, the guards had been informed of the intruders’ presence and they were quickly detained. However, even now, 10,000 Herm Dollars worth of gold and silver are missing, likely stolen by one of the guards. The location of the missing treasure is unknown, and the Berm has put a 100 dollar bounty on anyone who detains the thief who took it.
War Committee Raises Concerns About the Capital’s Security
After several raids of the Berm’s palace in Hermbul, the War Committee which was tasked by the Berm with giving weekly conferences on the nation’s security has said that, “The security of the Berm’s residence is one of our top priorities. Negotiations have begun with the General of the Guards and the Berm himself, and we plan to have a new more rigorous defense plan for the Berm’s palace within a week from now.”
The leader of the Committee, Jugarherm Poznyton, said that the recent infiltration and looting of the Palace by the Whane Cult would likely encourage more needy Herms to attempt the daring journey so as to attain the money that they needed. The War Committee has developed a three step plan that is currently pending approval. It is as follows: Step one, make the cellars strictly off limits. Step two, strengthen the perimeter defenses and give the guards the authority to stop and question any suspicious Herm or Herms that don’t have a valid reason for entry. Step three, improve communications in order to more quickly organize the defense.
We will likely receive another update on this shortly in next week’s conference but until then, all that we know is that the Berm has ordered at least 5,000 new troops to help defend the capital. These troops could be arriving anywhere from a day to a fortnight from now. Also, according to the HermPost military experts, these troops could be coming from anywhere between GHLC and Old Walizburg and maybe even from as far away as Eri Hermistan.
Do Fat Duff Herms Bounce?
One loyal HermPost reader in Anor requested an article be made about whether or not fat Duff Herms bounce. We, the Editors of HermPost, were happy for an article with a more light hearted mood, and happily accepted the request. In an eight day study that involved searching the vast expanse of Hermistan for the fattest Duff Herms that were willing to undertake the dangerous experiment and bringing them back to GHLC (sometimes requiring a wagon each because of their enormous size), we got the results that we were looking for.
By dropping the fat Duff Herms off a tree branch two, three, and four feet above the ground, it was determined that fat Duff Herms do bounce, a little bit anyway. It was also discovered that it is hard to measure how high they bounce since their fat likes to jiggle up and down as they go through the air. When the average bounce height for the two feet drop was determined to be around 1.6 inches, we moved to the three feet drop which yielded a similar result. The average for the three feet drop was 1.8 and it was 2.3 for the four foot one.
Thanks to the amazing suggestions of one of our loyal readers, this ancient mystery of the bouncing Duff Herm has been miraculously confirmed. For more such amazing articles, consider making suggestions yourself to enhance the quality of your HermPosts. Also, consider donating to the HermPost or one of its sponsors: the amazing Golden Pitchfork Company, Barbicus’s Wagon Store, the Hermbul Wagon Company, and the GHLC Sponsor Company which is the proud supplier of sponsors for the HermPost. As always, thanks for reading and have a good rest of your day.
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