Weekly Report 5/25

 Yib Abolition Is Imposed on Wagontown

After two hundred years, Duff Herms in Wagontown, a village located near the Stanistani border, are having to face the terrible conditions of the Yib-olition as it was called. A Popular Party movement in the region has resulted in more and more Duff Herms fearing that the Yib-olition may spread to their villages. According to the mayor of Wagontown, the Yib-olition was imposed by the city council two weeks ago, but was only set into action yesterday as protesters failed to pass through the State level in the Courts in order to advance to a Federal Level.

The Hermatan Legislature is coming under much public pressure for this decision but still remains adamant in their pro-yib- olition stance on the case. Defending the ruling by saying that they only intended to support the communal rights of individual towns and counties. Now, however, the Legislature is receiving flocks of petitions requesting the temporary cease of such local authorities while the Nation has time to consider the incoming crisis. According to the Cleric of the Legislature, they have received over four hundred petitions from an estimated 3,000 Duff Herms and around 200 Ba Herms.

The Yib-olition as dictated by the law in Wagontown states that Yibbing is a punishable offense and Duff Herms can be taken to court if their Ba Herms hear them Yibbing. Furthermore, Yibing is banned in all public spaces which has already drove at least two corn street vendors out of business. In the wake of this growing political issue, Himzoo Herm says, “The Duff Herm Satisfaction Committee under my wonderful leadership will do everything it can to regain the essential right of Duff Herms to yib whenever they would like to. I have already sent my draft of the Executive Order to the Berm, and, let me tell you, he is going to have to approve it.”

Wagon Crashes; Stanistan Is Suspected to Be the Culprit.

More news from the small village of Wagontown, where three wagons crashed in a huge collision in its suburbs while on-route to the Stanistani City of Shirsta, the capital of the province of Ibaan. The mayor, already preoccupied with the feisty and progressive City Council, paid little attention to this newest happening and dismissed it as an accident. This, however, was challenged by the lead detective Walizburg, an avid HermPost reader, Jimdough Buzzerbum, who was visiting the town to solve a case involving a scarecrow theft: he said that the wagon crash was an organized attack on the contents of the third wagon, which, unfortunately, we have been prevented from revealing to you. 

However, we do know that Jimdough’s missing scarecrow was, in fact, within one of the wagons. Evidentially, someone was trying to smuggle it into Stanistan to avoid detection. He left the village the next day and authorities have been investigating the crash site ever since. Also, those wagons aren’t about to be going anywhere because the City Council has made it a “Public Art Installation.”

  Duff Herms Caught in Tornado Are Scattered Across the Nation

 After a massive tornado struck Hermistan from the north, ravaging Duff Hermistan and reaching as far south as Pozny, several Ba Herms have reported dozens of lost Duff Herms that were outside when the tornado struck. After being put in the local newspapers in hopes that they might still be alive, a Ba Herm in another state reporter having seen a Duff Herm fall out of the sky belonging to one of the names on the list.

Soon, the Duff Herm was picked up by its Ba Herm and the news began to spread that the missing Duff Herms could be anywhere and that many could still be alive. A non-profit organization hung flyers to help alert other Herms of the missing Duff Herms and, in days, about one half of the Duff Herms were returned to their owners. Some Ba Herms still search desperately for their missing Herms, so we have gladly accepted a request from the Regional Legislature to add a list of the names to our Newspaper.

1. Douglas Yibson
2. Garblon Cornhead
3. Yibtastic Avies
4. Libury Schmidt
5. Davison Farman
6. Corny McCornFace
7. Peebee McJay
8. Mon Monson
9. Gladison Crockleford

If you have found a Duff Herm by any of these names in your local region, make sure to report them to the authorities so that they can be given back to their Ba Herm.

HDHG Approves of Yib-olition

After strongly fortifying themselves behind a pro-Duff Herm Rights Movement, Herms across the Nation were stunned when they expressed their approval of the new Yib-olition in Wagontown. Afterwards, one of the leaders came to the press to give an interview on this matter, the first time that we have had this opportunity for an entire year. The HDHG leader claims that their support for the law is based on an anti-abuse agenda that believes that Ba Herms take advantage of Yibing to deal out punishments to their Herms who eat too much corn. He went on to say that such disciplines are out of place when it comes to the proper relation between Herms. 

This shocked many Duff Herms because the way it has always been seen is as a governmental dietary restriction that prevents Duff Herms from eating as much corn as they want to. Many Duff Herms believe it to be an unalienable right to be able to eat as much as they want, especially since the social and disciplinary consequences are already there and Yibing can already help prevent Gorgers from becoming too obese. When it is banned all together, it will be much harder for Duff Herms to receive the necessary social criticism because everybody will be too scared to talk about Yibing. 

When told that, “We thought it was decided long ago that abolishing Yibing increased rates of Duff Herm obesity and led to a major uprising that wiped out an entire Legislature,” the HDHG leader said, “We have already gone too far … Duff Herms are fatter than ever. They sit around the Farm and eat with no regard for farming or their usual duties because there isn’t a strong enough government-led incentive for them to stop doing so all together.”

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