Why Is a Fishing Rod Store Moving into my Village?
We have received this exact question from many viewers located in small towns that question the logic behind building Fishing Rod Stores in Villages with no access to surface water, much less anywhere where you could fish. “Where there’s a store, there’s bound to be business,” said a HermPost economic expert. “The question is who and why?”
We did our best to try to figure out who the mysterious consumers were, but, in GHLC, a coastal city with easy access to a large fish-able body of water (Great Hermlake), out of the 1,000 Herms that we interviewed, only one showed any interest in fishing or buying a fishing rod.
Since our usual method of surveying Herms had yielded no results, we asked locals what they thought was the reason behind the ever-growing fishing rod industry. As soon as we opened up a booth with the question on it, however, we were flooded by a crowd of Duff Herm Conspiracy Theorists who were convinced that the ever-illusive Fig Duffs must be behind this strange behavior. They were shut up, however, when a Herm passing by pointed out that Fig Duffs didn’t need fishing rods because they could just use their noses. Since then, we have received multiple reports (some of which our own) claiming to have seen Fig Duffs fishing without a rod and just a piece of string that they wrapped around the tips of their noses.
The Herm that was passing by, however, upon being interviewed about the statement that, as critics pointed out, seemed to imply that Fig Duffs do indeed exist, told us this, “Oh, you City Ba Herms. You’ll never know how naïve you are when it comes to real country life. And, by the way, I know who’s buying all the fishing rods … I’ve seen them doing it myself. It’s … duff Herms!”
This received a chorus of gasps and yibbing from the crowd as Ba Herms realized that their Duff Herms had actually bought fishing rods before. The square cleared, and all of the Ba Herms went about their business after leaving us a generous tip for having reminded them to talk to their Duff Herms about impulsively buying fishing rods.
The economics expert, however, was not pleased with our findings and said, “There must be a reason … and, until we know it, we only have half of the story.” As all HermPost Reporters know, an incomplete story is unacceptable and a half-completed one could get you fired. So, the search continued.
Figuring that the wharfs and docks were a likely place to catch Duff Herms fishing while their Herms aren’t looking, we sent HermPost reporters across the country to their local docks and river beds to look out for Duff Herms fishing in the lakes and rivers.
For a day, we watched relentlessly as all manner of Wild Duffs marched by with fishing rods and even a few Herms (half of which tried to fish with bows) seemed to take interest in fish that swam in the rivers. When all the Reporters reported back to headquarters, only one claimed to have seen a Duff Herm fishing. A Reporter from Cottage reported the incident as uninteresting, so we almost didn’t find it, and, upon reading who they had seen fishing in the Cottage River, we were not surprised by who it was. It was John Barley Duff Herm, of course: the only Duff Herm weird enough to do something like that.
Still, the question remained: what do Duff Herms use their Fishing Rods for? We tried asking some Duff Herms, but they were not helpful and thought that we were joking. One Reporter ultimately found success while working on a different story and coming into a Fishing Rod Store. When he asked the owner why three Duff Herms had just walked out the door with fishing rods on their shoulders, he pointed to a fallen-over Ba Herm on the floor. “Watch,” he said.
The Duff Herms made rows and held on to the fishing rods while dangling themselves above the fallen Herm who groped desperately trying to snatch up his Duff Herms who bobbed up and down just out of reach. Miraculously, when the Duff Herms pulled up on the fishing lines, the Ba Herm was reeled up like a fish in an attempt to follow his prized Duff Herms. A few seconds later, the Herm realized that he had gotten up and thanked his Duff Herms for not leaving him there to become a Herm Turret.
Thus, the mystery is solved and Herms will no longer have to ask or scold their Duff Herms for buying fishing rods, unless they want to, of course. If you do, we have the perfect accommodation for you, an all inclusive Duff Herm scolding phrase book with lines that will have tremendously great effect when convincing your Duff Herms to do what you want. An example is: “Yibidy yib nuggets, get back to work!” This will work for about a week, and, if you want to keep being in charge of your rowdy Duff Herms, just buy from today’s sponsor: Yibtastic Magic Tricks and Duff Herm Swear Words. Three volumes of the book are available for purchase in a book store near you for only 3 Herm Dollars.
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