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Daily Update 8/28

 Berm Seen Lying on His Bench

After half of a week of work abroad searching for the origin of the terrorists that attacked the Holy Ceremony last week, the Berm has finally returned to the capital, Hermbul where he is managing the operation from his palace, or, as one of our agents reported, his bench. 

One of the most well-known and relevant places in Hermistan, the Berm’s Bench is usually reserved for situations of extreme importance or addresses to the public during a crisis. If you are curious in catching a glimpse of the Berm’s notorious bench, or the Berm himself, they were both seen yesterday in the middle of the Royal Grounds where the bench’s location, not the Berm’s, has resulted in the Hermbul Doccer Team winning three games on the Palace Grounds (the Berm has made them lose seven) and is notorious for once helping a Berm to make a hole in one and leading to the face-planting of several assassins and thieves who tripped on it while trying to traverse the grounds at night.    

Until midday, our sources were reporting that the Berm was organizing the counter-terrorism efforts from his bench (unfortunately we have been prohibited from saying what our sources heard, in case the culpables read the HermPost, despite the fact that criminals read the Hermbul Post (who could have guessed, the writing the Hermbul Post is so criminally cliché: criminals must feel perfectly at ease reading it.)) When the sun had reached the peak of its arc, however, and the heat of the afternoon had set in, our sources started reporting that the Berm had started sleeping on his bench.

Himzoo Herm, upon hearing the news, (from us, of course, because the Berm’s staff never tells him anything) said, “It must be so comfortable to have a bench to sleep on. How come only the Berm gets to have a bench.” 

To that, the Berm responded when we got a chance to ask him, “Of course Himzoo Herm doesn’t get a bench. Benches are only for Ba Herms! I thought everybody knew that.”

Well, apparently they didn’t because, in advance of publishing this article, we were approached by the Duff Herm Bench Association who publicly criticized the article, complaining that it had unfair negative press for benches specific to Duff Herms. Thus, we have got a statement from Himzoo Herm saying, “I love my new bench!”

Figuring that we had already given (or the courts had given us) a sponsor, our Economics Expert told our budgeting department to go for a double sponsorship and try to get the Duff Herm Bench Company to become one of our sponsors. After some negotiation, we reached an agreement and will be offering a 10% off coupon for Duff Herm benches in each of your Weekly Reports for the next two months.

Angered by our willingness to support a Duff Herm bench manufacturer, the Berm’s Benches Committee bought two more sponsorships and a sponsor competition ensued. So, now, for the next two months, we will be able to add an entire extra page to each HermPost in just Bench Sponsorships. The CEO of the HermPost said, “This Economics Expert really pays for himself! He’s filled up an entire page of sponsors, and, more importantly, my bank vault!”


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