Duff Herms Attacked During Holy Ceremony
The Berm announces that yesterday evening between 4:00 and 8:00 pm was one of the worst crisis in Hermistani history, and, that all Duff Herms lost in the disaster are eligible to claim their spots in the Royal graveyard were thirty or more generations of Berms and countless Himzoo Herms lie beneath the ground, protected by the strongest, bravest, and most loyal soldiers of their time. These victims of the terrible attack will serve as a reminder to the Berms of the past and future that, until this is solved, Hermistan will not be the same, and Duff Herms will live in fear of an oppressive force.
Duff Herms, though not eager to recount the events of the evening, gave us enough details collectively to find out what was going on before and after the attack. A holy pilgrimage had been made (one of the ancient traditions of Duff Herms) to the Holy Duff Corn that is now in the center of the city of Hermbul though it had once stood there before any of the buildings around it had. The main groups that had made the pilgrimage were the HDHG and Duff Herm Plantation Union who used Royal Proclamation 33 to allow enslaved members to make a recreational or holy pilgrimage to a significant place or figure, such as the Holy Duff Corn.
The Himzoo Herm started said pilgrimage a few weeks back when he spoke with the Holy Duff Corn and was told that he would soon be in bloom, an event marveled and inspiring of awe to all those who behold it. Free Duff Herms, mostly the locals, brought their Duff Corns (the ones in bloom) with them as part of the tradition. It is said that no Duff Corn is as wise and as valuable as one of the Holy Duff Corn’s cobs, and the only way to get one is to pollinate the Holy Duff Corn with your own Corn’s pollen or for your Corn to receive pollen when the Holy Duff Corn does his great pollen release.
As always, the Duff Herms constructed a ritualistic structure out of the Duff Corns in attendance that surrounded the building in which the Holy Duff Corn grows. John Barley Duff Herm, one of the speakers at the event and the one lucky enough to have had the great pollen release take place while he was speaking in front of the Holy Duff Corn, said:
The cloud of Duff Corn pollen and dust that Duff Herms had kicked up was so thick that I could barely see ten feet ‘fore me. While I was walkin’ up to the podium to give me speech, the Holy One tells to me ‘it is coming; continue with your speech as planned,’ so that’s what I does, and, then, next thing I know, I’m covered from head to toe in golden soot that is the Holy Duff Corn’s pollen and Duff Herms are crying out in joy and in fear … ‘something terrible is happening; flee’ said the Holy One, but there wasn’t time in surplus and ‘fore me knowin’ what was going on I was knocked unconscious and ‘membered no more.
An hour after the attack, when the Berms guards and nearly half of the Hermbul Garrison had gathered at the scene of the attack, the form of the attackers was announced. Tall People had caused the attack; they were as of yet unsure whether men, orcs, or Villagers (tall Ba Herms that live in the East) had caused the attack, and, were at that point, unable to find or detain any of the conspirators of the attack.
It was not long, however, before the Berm’s impenetrable network of spies and soldiers caught three Men fleeing Hermbul towards the south who confessed to having been part of the attack but said that the situation was “out of the Berm’s hands.”
It was not until the next day, today, that the Berm could send out his medical team to search for survivors and the critically injured. Many Duff Herms had been knocked out and recovered quickly and some had suffered more serious damage and may take months to recover. Most interestingly, it quickly became clear that the Duff Corns were not the targets of the attack, though their structure had been knocked over in the chaos. The attackers goal had been to kill as many Duff Herms as possible and they didn’t do a bad job though many Duff Herms did survive the incident and they suffered many casualties to the bites of angry Duff Herms.
Himzoo Herm has been dispatched to talk to the Holy Duff Corn since he had had the best chance of having seen the attackers and what they were doing and saying, since his head was just above the layer of dust. All of the Berms forces have been mobilized and Hermistan is preparing for war, against whoever or whatever caused the attack.
In the Legislatures, desperate Representatives try to raise money to meet the estimated money demand for their region from the Department of Expenses and place the country in a state of national emergency. The High Council is referring more and more matters to the Berms office and Departments to federalize more matters in case of a large-scale offensive or invasion which would be led by the Berm and his Departments and advisors.
Duff Herm Donut Shop Becomes Center of Operation
Someone from inside the Berm’s inner circle has leaked that when Himzoo Herm visited his favorite Donut shop it had been turned into a forward command center for the counter terorism operation in Hermbul and now sells a Hermistani pride donut.
We did not feel it responsible to take a sponsor for today’s HermPost, so the Press Committee has been kind enough to give large grants to us and other newspaper companies to publicize the events of this disaster, saying that “everyone in Hermistan has a right to know what’s going on and to be prepared for any eventuality.”
“Be cautioned,” says the Berm. “Stay vigilant … the aggressors may still be among us.”
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