Why are my Duff Herms’ Children so Bad at Counting?
“I don’t mean to say Duff Herms were ever good at counting … but, comon! I tell my Duff Herm to stack three hay bales and I come back in, and, guess what! He’s made the attic hog eat a hole in the roof so could stack four hay bales on top of each other,” says an angry Ba Herm suffering from his Duff Herms’ inability to count. When we received several similar urgent letters requesting an explanation for this strange behavior or a way to help these young Duff Herms re-learn how to count, we knew we had to write an article about it.
We started at the source of the problem, the parents, because they are obviously responsible for teaching their children how to talk, walk, and apparently count. These, however, were as baffled as their Herms, saying, “We don’t teach them how to count. We never have. My parents didn’t teach me how to count! And I learned all the same!”
Then, we realized we had a real mystery on our hands. Firstly, we had to determine how young Duff Herms learned to count, after that, we would have to find what change was responsible for the recent loss of mathematical common sense, and more importantly yet, how this problem could be solved. Such a mystery was quite hard to come by, and, as such, very difficult to solve.
After looking at every little detail of the places where the Duff Herm’s had grown up and the Duff Herms themselves, the only anomaly we noticed in the data was that the Duff Herms were above average weight, seemingly a not conclusive factor of mathematical comprehension, but, all the same, we faced the Ba Herm and asked why he thought the Duff Herms had turned out so overweight. He said, “Well, ever since they were born, I’ve had to buy such a large number of green beans that it feels like we can’t go a day without needing more green beans. I figure that has something to do with it, but, strangely, I’ve never caught them yibibing more than I would expect, so I figured they can’t have been eating too many green beans. Fifty green beans a day is definitely too many, but that’s what the math says.”
Following the lead, mostly because it was the only lead we had, we went to the pantry where we found one of the Duff Herms munching on green beans which, given the large pile of cans on the floor next to him, he had evidently been doing for a while. When we looked around, we realized that he was eating the last can of green beans and we were just fast enough to snatch it out of his hands before he ate the last green bean.
Upon further investigation of the seemingly normal looking green bean, we realized that something was off about it: where dozens of seeds should have been within the pod, there were only two solitary seeds. Corroborating the evidence, and the fact that the Duff Herms could only count to two, we determined that counting peas in green beans must be responsible for Duff Herms’ ability to count.
“And how many green beans they have to eat to Yibib,” added a local detective that had come to help out with the case. It was then we realized that these green beans explained the phenomenon perfectly, why they eat so many green beans (they base the number on peas not pods), why they are so fat, and why they can’t count. While we were hurrying back to the HermPost headquarters to write about our discovery, we came across the perfect sponsor advertising on a local billboard: the Long Pod Company.
The Long Pod company is offering a fifty percent discount on a starter pack of fifty seeds (the number found in only one pod) for a shockingly-low 15 cents. Not only will buying your green beans from the Long Pod Company help you better propagate your plants, it will also make you Duff Herms eat less and count higher. Don’t miss out on this discount while it lasts! Head to a grocery store near you and get your Long Pod Starter Pack today. Thanks for reading.
Comments
Post a Comment