Himzoo Herm Birthday Tragedy
Himzoo Herm came running up to us this morning, quite perturbed, and I mean to say more than usual because he seemed to be having some kind of panic attack. Though he had thrown fits in front of us before, this time it seemed more real. Unsure what to do, we called for the Berm to come up and see what was the matter with him.
The Berm, just as surprised as we were to learn the cause of Himzoo Herm’s rage, assured us that Himzoo Herm would get over the loss of his Golden Pitchforks, only half of which were stolen. After a cheering-up visit to the local Waffle House, Himzoo Herm returned to his usual duties, although was more than happy to leave snide comments at all the Reporters he walked by, hinting at what he thought had happened.
That afternoon, Himzoo Herm’s Saturday press conference whose focus is usually yibbing rates was packed full of reporters from various newspapers all asking the same questions: Who do you think is responsible for breaking into your Golden Pitchfork shed, have any of the custodial staff been acting strangely recently, and what’s your plan for the future, how will you stop this from happening again?
All Himzoo Herm said was, “Duff Herms have been yibbing yib yib yibidy yib… clears throat… more than usual this week, probably because of the HermComing festivals taking place, but, strangely enough, corn vendors haven’t been making enough money. Is anybody listening to me? The corn vendors! They’re being treated unfairly!”
Once he realized nobody was interested in his planned tax cuts for Duff Herm Corn Vendors which according to the Berm “would practically be giving them federal money,” all he would say in response to our questions was “I have some suspicions, but I can’t be sure who did it.”
Meanwhile, in the much less busy than usual briefing room of the Berm, he was giving all kinds of statements about the break-in, ranging from “Himzoo Herm had too many Golden Pitchforks, anyway” to “Besides, he inherited most of them from the previous Himzoo Herm. It wouldn’t be very good if we just let them pile up and up over the years; eventually the shed wouldn’t be big enough anymore!”
Speaking of the shed which is larger than most Herms’ houses and approximately twice as tall because of its steeply pointed roof meant to imitate a true shed, it is one of the oldest structures in the Royal Complex, having been untouched for around 150 years and still only a little worse for wear. It doesn’t look nearly so out of place where it is, however, since the Royal Gardens where it is located are twice the usual size as well with tomato plants that can reach up to ten feet in height and similarly tall corn which the Himzoo Herms have claimed to grow for centuries, despite the evidence of a master gardener that lives in the shed and cultivates giant Corn Seeds clearly used to grow the imposing corn plants.
Thus, we arrive at our first suspect. A Duff Herm and an esteemed prize-winning gardener, noteworthy partially for his contributions to the creation of last year’s most impressive crop cultivated, a commercial and delicious strand of peach, he was unaccounted for during the robbery window, though he claims to have been refilling the watering can from the spring under the Berms bench which is allegedly magical? Definitely something suspicious there.
Detective Jimdough Buzzerbum who was working with us on the case begged to differ and fell for his alibi, proceeding to the next suspect, an old Duff Corn tasked with guarding the pitchforks. “You idiots! I can’t move! How could I have stolen them?”
After that shouting-at we took a trip around the Gardens and found a Nog that had escaped from its pen who was trying to tell us something, but we couldn’t be sure what it meant. He was making vrooming noises and wagging his butt while doing backflips. Who knows what that’s supposed to mean? The gardener, however, who had been starting to learn some Nog, identified him as a witness.
“So… what you’re trying to say is that the only witness was a Nog!” said an angry Himzoo Herm upon hearing the news. “That’ll be a huge help. I’ll have a Nog interpreter summoned, but they won’t make it here until after my birthday. What a pity!”
The investigation will continue through the night without end while the clues are still fresh, but Jimdough says there aren’t many to be found and that this case may go unsolved for some time yet. We’ll get back to you with an update as soon as we can. Be sure to stock up on Golden Pitchforks from today’s sponsor: the Golden Pitchfork Company, just in case your Duff Herm is next hit by the mysterious perpetrator. Check who you’re buying it from, though, it’s very likely whoever’s stolen them will try to sell them off to get rid of the money trail, and, as Himzoo Herm says, “yib, yib, yi-bye.”
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