Pitchforks Found; Berm is Culpable
A thorough investigation following all standard protocols yielded no fruits for our labor, and we were forced to sit back and wait for the Pitchforks to pop up somewhere where we could relate them to the thievery. The Berm was growing weary of wasting so many government resources on one of Himzoo Herm’s personal cases and redirected most of the personnel and detectives Himzoo Herm had mobilized to other government cases where he saw them more fit.
Himzoo Herm’s relentless tantrums persisted through the morning and into the afternoon, as his personal investigators were having no luck on discovering who had committed the crime. Around noon, however, the Chief HermPost Reporter of Hermbul received a message carried by hog-back for many miles bearing urgent news of the case. Who so far away could possibly have solved the case without access to the crime scene or any of the witnesses?
Hermibilius, of course, and it came as no surprise to Himzoo Herm once we read to him Hermibilius’s letter who had written it. “Of course,” he exclaimed. “Hermibilius will always be there for me to save the day!”
The contents of his letter were not subjects for excitement or happy thoughts, however, as it described a long and difficult journey, reaching its climax in the City of Bridgetown where the robber, armed with only a Golden Pitchfork attempted to fend off Hermibilius. Now, that’s an exaggeration … in reality, Hermibilius just figured it out and went to the criminal’s apartment and tied him to his own chair and waited outside the door for authorities to arrive.
When the perpetrator was brought in for questioning, detectives squeezed it out of him that he was an old friend of the Berm’s and that he had asked him to do the robbery as repayment for helping him get out of jail. Himzoo Herm is unsure what to think about these accusations, but the Berm and Himzoo Herm will surely have something to talk about tonight over dinner.
Lemon Grass Shown to Have Healing Properties
Duff Herms have been eating lemon grass since before Ba Herms arrived, describing its sour flavor as “irresistible” and scouring the plain lands where they lived in search of its yellow flowers which led them to the delicious stem. Though the stem was the most commonly enjoyed part of the lemon grass, the other parts, including the flower and roots were often taken back to the village to be used as medicine. Duff Herm healers in these traditional Duff Herm communities grind the lemon grass into a salve and apply it to fresh cuts and open wounds to stop bleeding and soothe the pain.
Treatments using commercially grown lemon grass have proven ineffective multiple times in countless studies, so the tradition was dismissed as myth. Our Duff Corn Reporter who has quickly become one of our most useful assets, however, had us look into the myth once again, suggesting we go into the fields and pick grass traditionally rather than buying it from a store.
When we treated injured Duff Herms with the wild lemon grass, the effects were immediately obvious and the Duff Herm showed visible signs of improvement in less than an hour after being treated. With no explanation for the strange phenomenon, the Duff Corn Reporter suggested that we look at the fields where we picked the lemon grass rather than the lemon grass itself.
When we went out to investigate the field, we found a Duff Herm Erirooks hiding within the long grasses, busy catching and pinning grasshopper specimens to his insect board which honored over half of native insect species, including eight stick bugs which are notoriously hard to find and catch. Asking for his expertise, he explained how a certain species of grasshopper lived only, as far as he could tell, in the lemon grass, feeding on its shoots and pollinating its flowers.
It turns out that the hypnotic effect of grasshoppers which only recently has been proved to affect Duff Herms provides some distraction from the pain which, in addition to the lemon grass’s soothing nature, provides for a perfect salve. In the light of this discovery, the Medical Special Council has lifted restrictions for grasshopper use on injured Duff Herms only in small quantities and from the two known species proved to have healing effects.
Sausage Vendor Retires
After working and serving the Wallizburg community for forty odd years, sausage and spice maker, Klorin Kaeternaw, has decided to retire and sell the rights to his family sausage recipe which has brought a homely and exclusive flavor to Wallizburg’s tables for decades. Some of the most senior sausage tasters are in consensus that there are no better sausages in all of Hermistan, and the sale of this recipe has attracted the attention of countless ambitious companies looking to make a fortune off the recipe.
When a young entrepreneur working entirely off of a loan from a bank in Drome which may or may not have been destroyed by a rebellious clan in an uprising, giving him all the money free of interest, bought the recipe and started to build a couple factories and establish a small bottom line, it quickly became obvious that the recipe he had been sold was not the legendary recipe the family store had been making for centuries, but a spicy heavily fennel flavored chorizo that tasted like a 4 cent carnival sausage.
The sausage abomination has already been the subject of several lawsuits against the recently retired sausage salesman, but has made surprisingly large profits in the first quarter, prompting the entrepreneur to change his tact, publicly stating his approval of the sausage recipe and its inventor and advertising it as the sausage that fought through rejection and made a come-back and is now here to stay.
Berm’s Weather Report
So far, this wet season has gotten off to a slow start, but all that is planned to change, with the Berm’s meteorologists suggesting that a storm of colosal size could be on its way with a trajectory that will cut right through the heartland of Hermistan costing citizens millions of dollars. These grim reports from the National Weather Association have been countered by the predictions of a Duff Herm in Yostacorn who says “the wise Duff Turtle who is one with the rain can see clearly that there will be none for a while yet.”
While neither prediction is very good, since fields are growing dry for the lack of rain, we have chosen to side with the NWA’s model. Also, in the past, it has been more credible, except that one time last year when the Duff Turtle was mysteriously right about exactly which villages would be affected by tornadoes.
A couple inches of rain are expected tomorrow on Himzoo Herm's birthday, mostly in the north, but also just to the south of Hermbul, and the rest of the storm, some eight inches is predicted to hammer across the Cottage Region on the day before the Doccer Finals, hopefully leaving it clear for the day of the game.
Also, make sure to check out today’s sponsor, the Hermbul Wagon Company who is offering twenty percent off a twenty day warranty for new customers (after the end of the storm), and will be offering rewards for returning customers. In addition to this, their new model of wagon, the Fumigater 3000, is so light it has a lower toll cost, making family vacations cheaper than ever. The legal loophole used to make this possible is unfortunately not valid in the Central Region, so shoppers are recommended to travel elsewhere to put pressure on the Central Region Legislature to reinstate the loophole.
Thank you for reading and have a great rest of your day.
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