Herm Post

Where Are All the Fig Gourd Duffs Going? As winter approaches and Duff Herms become more and more desperate to hold onto the happiness of the Holiday Season, they also begin to search for the three Duffs that make up the legendary trio that sing a song of pure joy and rejoice upon finding one another. The Duff Herm, the Foot Melon Duff, and the Fig Gourd Duff make up the group of Duffs who will stop at no lengths to find each other despite the Foot Melon and Fig Gourd Duffs’ increasing rareness. When Duff Herms go out into their local forests and backyards, they are finding less and less Melon Duffs lurking in the shadows, waiting for them to arrive at their homes so that they can sing their song of happiness. It is also said that the decrease in Foot Melon and Fig Gourd Duffs is due to an increase in their long nosed brothers. The Fig Duffs. While this rumor is usually exchanged between members of secretive Conspiracy Theorist clubs, it is becoming more and more common for Duff Herms ...

  Fig Duffs Are Blamed For Fig Robberies In GHLC In the suburbs of Great Hermlake City (GHLC), fruit vendors have reported increasing numbers of fruit-related robberies, especially midnight robberies of Eastern Brown Figs. These robberies are usually blamed on gangs of criminals or Great Hermlake monsters. According to the mayor of Great Hermlake City, however, these robberies are being caused by something even more legendary and doubted than even the Monster of Great Hermlake: Fig Duffs. This statement was based on something that the Ministry of Crime Prevention announced. They said that the increasing fig robberies could only mean one thing: some kind of Duff or animal had come to the region and was vandalizing local fruit stands and taking figs.  Th mayor interpreted this to mean that Fig Duffs were eating the figs, even though the Ministry didn’t say anything about Fig Duffs and according to its Minister, “The Investigation is still in progress; we hope to have more resu...

  Herm In Walizburg Invents Flapjack Dispenser In Walizburg, the region that has already made such notable inventions as the double salt shaker which could dispense two different kinds of salt by just pressing one button, a young Herm craftsman and his Eri Herm apprentices invented a creation that may go down in history as a Duff Herm’s flappyjakiest toy: the Flapjack dispenser! This new innovation has already won awards from many different Herm science institutes for its clever use of mechanics and levers. Currently, two hundred copies have been made, and a hundred and eighty-two have been sold for 4 Herm Dollars and 15 cents to a throng of lucky Herms who happened to walk past the store by chance when they were going out to do their daily chores in the city and couldn’t resist buying their Duff Herms this wonderful late Christmas present.  After all the publicity from the various local newspapers, the new invention attracted many rich Herms who were eager to buy the orig...

Why Are Ba Herms Saying That A Fig Duff Was Sighted In Great Hermlake City? Controversial to common belief, some studies have shown that more and more Ba Herms have begun to believe in Fig Duffs. One study said that 1% of Herms admit that Fig Duffs exist to their Duff Herms and an amazing 16% claim to have seen Fig Duffs while 46% believe in them but have never seen one. HermPost has not conclusively verified that this data is 100% accurate and you can never be sure what to believe … especially when our rivals the Hermbul Post are involved. While the fact that some Ba Herms do believe in Fig Duffs could explain why they are spreading rumors of sightings, the HermPost believes that these rumors have different origins.  HermPost expert investigators were sent out to find the roots of the rumors. Usually with rumors like these, finding the true story is fairly trivial, but it was not the same for this case. The rumor seemed to be coming from Yostacorn, the Inner City of Great Herm...

  Rebellious General In Great Hermlake City Attempts Christmas Koup After a misleading turn of events filled with corruption and potential scandals, General Covenbard of the Berm’s army attacked the Great Hermlake Legislature building. Luckily, no representatives were harmed and the rebellion was quickly ended when the general died of mysterious causes. Now that you know what happened, let us look back a few days or so to discover the cause of this koup.  Firstly, the GHLL (Great Hermlake Legislature) received a petition from some anonymous Herms from Borderwinde that complained about the increase of rich Herms that were moving into their traditionally poor Herm colony. The petition requested a limit for how much money Herms could have and use to purchase land and other similar public commodities. The requests seemed reasonable and after it was passed on to the Economic Committee to revise, they voted in favor of approving the new Bill.  The governor happily signed ...

  Berm Releases Next Year’s Administrative Council Appointments After weeks of careful planning and coordination, the Berm has released his plans for the appointments of next year’s ministries, departments, committees, and councils. The Berm has also been coordinating the next major government shifts with the Governors of the various regional legislatures. One such major plan the Berm means to put into effect in next year’s annual Federal Conference is the removal of the Orcistan War Special Council which has dealt with the effects of the Orcistan war for a decade. Due to a decline in Orc raids and large scale invasions, the Berm no longer sees any need for an executive Special Council to deal with the war. Instead, he opts to move the Orcistan war efforts to the War Committee which is currently dealing with other minor conflicts throughout Hermistan. Under pressure from the Great Hermlake Legislature, the Berm also plans to make a new Duff Herm Trade Ministry to handle the ris...

  Duff Herm In Walizburg Blows Up A Snowman In Walizburg, a festive Duff Herm by the name of Barnleak decided to build a snowman using unconventional techniques. Most Herms just use their hands to create balls of snow that will be used to create the structure of the snowman, but this Herm, being a little lazy, decided to leave out a globe that he stole from the local museum until it got covered in snow. He made the second ball of snow the same way a normal person would and the third was much the same. When it came time for decorations, he used his creativity to invent some unconventional decorations which were the cause for the explosion. By this time, any onlookers he may have acquired after stealing the globe had left while he finished the snowman normally without any more strangeness. It would seem, however, that he had saved the worst for last. In a dazzling display of pure stupidity, he filled the snowman’s pipe with mysterious black powder he found in a pawn shop. Unfortu...

  Crucial HermPost Publisher Is Sick Due to a small epidemic in GHLC of a virus called Barleyos, an important HermPost publisher was unable to aid in the publishing of new HermPosts. This caused major cities like Walizburg to go without HermPosts for an entire week! We are happy to say that our publisher is recovering quickly and we have attempted to negotiate with other publishing companies to prevent something like this from happening again. Also, in some regions, local Reporters had caught the terrible illness and HermPost readers didn’t get any news at all … not even local news until last week when the Berm distributed an alleged cure for the disease. This cure was discovered by accident by a Duff Herm in Hermsul who was eating green potatoes in his neighbor’s yard and fell sick the next day. In an attempt to cure himself before his Ba Herm figured out what he was doing, he ate a mixture of black western hill sage and Hermsul mint. It was a slow but effective cure and within ...

Why are Duff Herms In Walizburg Eating Lots of Doughnuts? In recent months, Herms have begun to worry about the amount of fried food that Duff Herms are consuming throughout Hermistan. Though many Duff Herms opt for a more traditional diet, some (especially those in big cities) have begun to eat large quantities of popcorn, corn chips, and other fried corn products. Likewise, in Walizburg, the number of doughnuts sold has tripled versus three years ago. Ba Herms have begun to worry that their Duff Herms are not meeting the expectations of Hermism, and one worried HermPost customer said, “I’ve lived here for forty years and I’ve never seen anything like what I did yesterday. Three Duff Herm conspiracy theorists were throwing doughnuts onto a fake Fig Duff nose. I think that those Herms need some good discipline.” This Herm argued passionately for over an hour with the local reporter before he decided that the Duff Herms weren’t going crazy and that the weirdos were just being poorly cov...

Great Hermlake Robberies Are Exaggerated         Recently, reports have spread throughout Great Hermlake City (GHLC) that a group of robbers informally known as the Nog Bandits are terrorizing the city making as many as four robberies a night. Some local newspapers have reported on it and it did not take long for the startling news to reach the HermPost Headquarters in GHLC. After a few hours of consideration by the local reporters and a lengthy investigation by local authorities, it was determined that the robberies were being used as propaganda by the Conspiracy Theorist Party who were exaggerating them by using their lobbyists and trying to manipulate the public to gain more votes. Last night, when the Berm heard the news, he said, “Nasty conspiracy theorists! I won’t say if they’re right about Fig Duffs, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were behind these robberies … it seems like just the thing they’d do...

Silo In Walizburg Falls On Unsuspecting Duff Herm In Walizburg, on a local farm in the Walcomere Comunity, a storm struck suddenly with wind speeds of up to 50 miles per hour. According to the local safety supervisor, “It was not the storm itself that caused so much damage, but the speed at which it travelled from the Hills in the North and tore through Eri Hermistan and Walizburg, devastating the farms of hundreds.” He says, “So far, the worst of the damages are three fallen silos and one barn that got hit by a tree … three juvenile Nogs are missing!” What he fails to mention, however, is the miraculous survival of a Duff Herm named Grenschmidt who was almost crushed by a silo. This shocking news was relayed to us by the Homeless Duff Herm Guild who was trying to use it as anti-Ba Herm propaganda. Much like the cartoonist who created John Barley Duff Herm, this plan backfired startlingly. Duff Herms across Hermistan are seeing the necessity of having a re...

Ba Herms Celebrate Harvest         In Vilatio, Herms have begun to celebrate a winter harvest with a feast to rival the Berm’s. This festive season brings many celebrations throughout Hermistan; these celebrations often include feasts, decorations, and singing. The reason the feast in Vilatio is so impressive is because of its size. This feast has drawn in Herms from as far away as Hermul and will take place in a Doccer Stadium. According to the official organizer, Jimcorn II, “We plan to set up five tables lengthwise on the field which could seat as many as five thousand Herms. Next, we will bring out the food on huge trays and platters. Then, we will use our Duff Herms to pass out Silverware and the feast will begin!”         The planning for this feast goes back to the construction of the tables last January of this year when the leaders of the state of Borderwine ordered six tables to be constructed. The...

Should I Water My Hogs’ Pen; Where Should I Put My Hog’s Erirooks?         These questions have begun to plague the states of Cottage and Wallizburg: Should I water my hogs’ pen  and should I keep my hog’s Erirooks inside over winter?  We regularly receive similar questions (especially during winter), but the urgency of the Herms suggests more concern than hypothetical in these questions. In response, HermPost reporters have been told to tell concerned Herms to continue doing what they did last year (if that worked) otherwise, they should probably keep an eye on the consistency of the mud in their hogs’ pen so that none of the hogs sink into it during storms.         In general, it is believed by most Herms that watering the mud in hog pens is good for the health of your hogs and nourishes your inter-pen ecosystem. Additionally, extra water allows for certain kinds of water tolerant grasses to grow...

Breaking News: Herm Ships Sail to Hogwash with Maize and Duff Herms 12/6          After the Berm ordered a ship with ten Herms to make the legendary voyage to the Hogwash: the land of Herms, it was discovered that the Herms in Hermwash and Hogwash don’t have Duff Herms or Corn. “This most recent revelation shocked the barley out of John Barley Duff Herm,” says HermPost Reporter Gallonhoney II of Yostacorn. The Council of Hermbul immediately ordered a convoy of ships to depart Great Hermlake City with two tons of maize and ten Duff Herms to arrive in the Hermwash in about a month. Also on board the ships are seeds for two new varieties of peaches and four varieties of Hermistani apple that the brave crew of the aptly named Royal Cornbert  are bringing to the Hermwash with hopes of exchanging them for new varieties of crops that are unique to the Land of Herms.         The return of the ...

Who Is Responsible for injuring the Pozny Goalkeeper; Himzoo Herm Launches Investigation After a disappointing loss for the Pozny team yesterday, accusations of cheating by GHLC are spreading like Corn Pox through a field of dry corn. Though most fans admit defeat, certain supporters like the Himzoo Herm are (as usual) unwilling to accept the results of the game. In an interview, Himzoo Herm said, “The Goalkeeper must have been sabotaged, how else could he have tripped?” When we asked the Goalkeeper, he confirmed these claims, saying that a stake had been planted in the ground next to the goal which was an obvious tripping hazard. The owners of the stadium had no idea that their field had been vandalized and immediately put out a bounty for anybody who caught the vandals. Mysteriously, they issued this bounty before confirming that the stake was actually there (it is), but this has led some fans to believe the owners of the stadium cheated and the game should be replayed. The real ques...

         The game that your Duff Herms have been waiting for has finally arrived. In this legendary game, the returning victor, Great Hermlake City, takes on a team from Pozny. Great Hermlake City (GHLC) has made the last three finals and won two of them which puts a lot of pressure on the Pozny team especially because they have the unfortunate reputation of never having won a Yostacorn series event. HermPost is a proud sponsor of the live commentary at the game and if you enjoyed it, please pay your local HermPost Reporter to show your gratitude. Now, back to the game: it started at sunrise when the Golden Doccer Ball (recently purchased by Himzoo Herm) was presented as the prize for the winning team. Then, there was a Ba Herm parade with a spectacular finale where they shot the Doccer Ball out of a tuba. And, like that, the game had begun.         Pozny won the possession after a great save by their Goal Keeper and Willi...

        Doccer Finals to Come Tomorrow; Ticketing Chaos Begins In Yostacorn In Yostacorn and throughout the state of Capa, Duff Herms are rejoicing and gathering at the Capa Fair Grounds in anticipation of tomorrow’s legendary Doccer game: the final of the Capa series and the game that your Duff Herms have been waiting for. After the most exciting semifinals in the history of the Yostacorn Games (as officially declared by Himzoo Herm), Duff Herms and their Ba Herms from across all of Hermistan have gathered at the stadium to buy tickets more than twenty hours before the start of the game.         The Berm has advised Herms against leaving their Duff Herms in line while they purchase items (even HermPosts) because they have been known to fall asleep and either lose their place in line or get run over. A HermPost reporter has alerted us that the Himzoo Herm cut in line and took over the ticket stand. The Berm volunteered himself ...